What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:19
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I said to her
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Google Search Tests Audio Overview - Search Engine Roundtable
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Can a 40-year-old date a 20-year-old?
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
How can someone feel more FTM when AMAB?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me. Why?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot live in the past .
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was 9 years of age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was scared of men, in general
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I will be 64.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.